Update for today

Well I'm glad in a way that the 4th of July is over. Nothing really special happen last night. Just sat on the sofa watching the fireworks from the safety of my living room. I wanted to go out somewhere & maybe watch some fireworks in person but didn't feel like doing it solo so I just stayed home.
My neighbor's had a couple good firework shows. I just watched them from my back porch. It was nothing special, nothing like what you'd see over the town lake or in Time Square, But it was ok.
Glad I'm off of work today. Had Sunday and today off. It's back to business tomorrow though (UGH). I've got to go put some clothes in the washer so I have some work clothes to wear this week. I've got to get my butt in gear. Need to get out of this lazy mood I am in.
I haven't got to talk to my son yesterday or today. I'm hoping he will call me later today and let me how his 4th of July was. I miss him so much. He left July 1st to spend a month with him mom for the summer before he starts school in August. He hasn't been gone long, But it already seems that I haven't seen him in over a month. Seems when he's not here, time goes by slower then normal.
I set up an account on Match.com yesterday. Not sure it is a good idea or not. But I figure I would give it a try and see where it goes. I wish I could say that I was happy being single. That's not the case at all. In fact, many times throughout the day, it's very lonely and depressing.
I am not totally sure that I am ready to completely settle down and get married again. But I would just like to find someone that I could talk to and just become good friends and just take it from there.
I don't think these dating sites is for me. Dating and meeting new people is really hard and when you have my appearances, it's even more difficult. Being scared 78% of your body (which includes my hands and face) it's really hard to get people to see past the scars and see the person you truly are. When meeting people for the first time and of course trying out the dating scene first impressions are everything. 99% of the time, you are judged solely on appearance. And of course that's not good for me. Lot of times it's hard for people to get pass the scars and judge me on my personalities alone. Woman don't fall in love with guys like me unless they have known me for quite a while. There is no such thing as "love at first sight" for me.
So in a way, i guess dating sites are good for me in a way. It allows them to read about me first and come up with their own conclusions of me. But of course that still making it sound to easy to be true. I am still judged on the pictures they see on my profile.
Sometimes I dream That I was normal and I looked like everyone else. That I was able to walk into a place and just pick up any girl my heart desires. But that's not the case and it will never be the case. We live in a world that appearances is a top priority.
I know I need to just stop believing in those kinds of dreams because all that is going to happen is I'm going to keep being let down and get keep getting my feelings hurt over and over again. One of the other dreams I have is that people could see me as I see myself. I believe if that was the case, I would have girlfriends on top of girlfriends. When I look in the mirror, I don't see scars. I see the person I want to be. If only there was a way for me to get other people to notice me in that way, I will be ok. I am probably sounding a little selfish and have a little self pity going on right now. You might be right. Maybe I just need to stop everything all together and just considerate on the more important things in my life. I am just scared that I am going to wake up one day, completely old with hardly no more life in front of me and going to die an old lonely man. That is one of my worse fears I seem to face each and everyday.
Am I asking for to much? Am I setting the bar way to high for myself? I not asking that I become a player and have one night stand and booty calls and to be with a different woman each night. That's not my plans what so ever. I just want to be able to find true love. Find someone that can love me as hard as I can love them back. Someone that I able to love for the rest of my life and grow old with and just die happy. Is there such a thing to "die happy"?
Well, I'm off to do some laundry and clean up a bit. Thanks for listening to all my thoughts here. Take care and write more again in the next few days.

Sincerely,

Jay